Friday, 18 December 2009

Is it really?

It's a good job National Express salted the paths on monday, just in time for it to make NO DIFFERENCE this morning. Naturally they apologised for the delay as they have never seen snow before and were convinced the sky was falling.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Comment of the year, 2009

"It's been a bad word since people started using it instead of 'spacker'."

Officially best comment of 2009.
You win the prize.
Err, you get to suggest my next drawing?

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

I don't get it.

I was looking at episodes of south park on the sky listings and the episode "Do the handicaped go to hell?" was on, but in the listings it was "Do the ********** go to hell?". Is handicaped a bad word now? What's next, censoring golf?

Illustartion Friday : Hatch

Monday, 7 December 2009

Chapter 1, probably of 1.

The sunlight oozed in through the slits in the cheap plastic blinds causing the usual sticky shadows that I had come to expect so early in the morning. Quite why I felt the need to be here at the wee stupid hours every day was beyond me but then again you've got to have some sort of work ethic, even in worst paying jobs, right? Alright, fine. The fact is I had nothing better to do, but this is MY job dammit and I'll not be accused of slacking off, not until I actually get in anyway.

What do I do? Nice of you to ask. The short answer is I'm not really sure. I work on the top floor of an office building. Literally. It's just me. Naturally I took the office furthest from the elevator in order to make people think that I'm in charge of the place, or that I'm a huge ego maniac. Either way. How does one get such a prestigious job? All I know is that one day out of the blue I get a letter saying I'd been accepted for a job that I had no memory of applying for and that it would be in my best interests to turn up on time. Which I did only to find a desk, a chair and little else. I'd feel guilty about just babysitting a desk all day but someone was crediting my account for doing it so hey, why not. I figured someone would catch their mistake eventually so I should probably take advantage while it was there to be taken.

No-one turned up and the cheques kept coming. Was this the job then? Had I inadvertently become the world's best paid and most selective caretaker? I was certainly turning into the world's most stir-crazy caretaker, being stuck in the middle of all that silence gets to be louder than you think, fortunately we have our good friend the internets and his little brother free-wi-fi-stolen-from-the-office-on-the-lower-floor for times like those.

I pulled the blinds up and looked out over the city as the street lights started to go out one after the other, I wondered whether it was some kind of light sensor or maybe they're on a timer. For the longest time I was convinced they'd go out just as I passed them out of shear spite, just to make me jump. From this height I could see all the businesses spring to life below me, I have no idea what they were doing but I was certain that it had something to do with walking around looking serious with a tie on at least. I sat down at my desk to check my email, or rather, to delete my junk mail. How did these people get my address in the first place? It doesn't matter though; I'm at least smart enough not to fall for such obvious scams. I hope.

It was around about noon when it happened. I was deep into an epic game of minesweeper when the door to the elevator chimed open. That made no sense, then only person that makes that sound was me and since I'm already here the chances of it being me were relatively slim. I shut off the best of Foreigner and waited to see what came next. I heard the soft impact of shoes on carpet as whoever it was came closer to my little "office", I realised that if I was going to get so nervous about someone walking for so long I should probably have chosen a less ostentatious room to spend my time in. It's not that far from there to here is it? There was an off chance whoever this was they were milking it for dramatic effect and if that was the case, it was a pretty lazy way to build tension.

The door finally opened. About what I expected. Male, average build, apple for a head, average weight, quite a nice suit, is that a tie pin? Wait, what? Huh, that's a little unusual, who wears a tie pin these days? Plus that whole apple thing is a thinker, it could be some sort of helmet I suppose but I don't see any air holes, how is this guy breathing? More to the point how come the first person I get to deal with in here doesn't even have the courtesy to have a face? Uh-oh, can he see me starring at him? I caught myself and found an interesting part of the wall behind him to investigate more fully. The guy just kept standing there, not that he had a choice there was only one chair in the room and unless he planned to sit on my lap there was nothing else to do. Mental note, get another chair at some point. I heard a dull slapping sound somewhere in front of me which drew my attention back again, a brown filing folder was now lying on the desk.

This is for you. That's all the information you need.

The apple headed man's voice wasn't coming out of where I would have guessed a mouth might have been, rather it was simply emanating from his general direction, maybe a little behind him. It was seeming less likely that that was a mask. I picked up the folder, clearly there were papers in there and maybe something slightly heavier.

Don't look at it now. Wait until I leave.

I looked the man square in the area where eyes might have been with my standard "You've just said something I can use against you" look.

So, is someone going to tell me what's going on here?

You have all the information you need.

The man turned and started to walk away. I couldn't help it, when else am I going to get an opportunity like this? I called after him.

Hey, I have a question about your head.

He turned his "head" slightly to one side where he stood about half way back to the elevator.

What about it?

Never mind.

Security tagged.

There's always a strange sense of relief when you go through those magnetic sensors in shops without setting them off, even if you haven't been theving that day.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Sponsored by Snapple®

So, last night I tried my first Snapple®. You've probably heard of it before in american TV shows or something but never actually seen one because, not unlike Reeces, they just don't sell them here. I was pretty nice and it comes in a glass bottle so you can maybe reuse that for something. I don't know if everywhere is selling these now but I can recommend the Lemonade version. I assume there's an apple one out there somewhere but I haven't seen it, unless that's not actually ment to be part of the name. Also, have a look under the cap for interesting facts. I'll tell you what I've learned so far.

An ant can survive for up to two weeks under water.
Strawberries are a member of the rose family.

Thanks Snapple®, you've made me slightly smarter.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Fun time with science.

It was raining last night. I noticed on the way to work that there were many small circles on the pavement where the water had darkened it and not dried up but in the dead centre of each circle was a single chip of gravel. Is there something about stone that prevents water from evaporating?

Movie Review : Transformers, Revenge of the fallen.

Less slapstick, more robots please.

Behold, the benefits of prototyping.

Illustration Friday : Entangled